Existentialism, for fun, not profit.

Sometimes it’s easy to move forward, to continue what you’re doing. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you can feel in charge of the world. Sometimes you can feel like the world is charging at you.

In this western world, we often pass through without much thought.

I’m trying to write something thoughtful about an existential crisis. About wondering whether what we’re actually doing is really for something. What will my life amount to in the end? Will I have achieved anything? Does what I do even matter?

I’ve come to a weird conclusion that all this stuff I do on the web and in technology really doesn’t mean much. It doesn’t make a difference in the world. It helps a few get richer, others get poorer. It lets us continue to wallow in our sleep, not really aware of what’s going on because we’re too busy playing that latest game, or using that new social network where we’re apparently anonymous. We’re so wrapped up in our own self absorption that we curate our online lives to resemble a perfect image of a human being, when on weekends, things get so debauched that it bears not thinking. One could reason this debauchery is our form of escapism, but we’re really probably not aware enough to be that socially minded.

Does this new thing I’m building help anyone? I doubt it. Apart from maybe me and five others who make a bunch of money off other people.

They say that perpetual motion machines are impossible, I’d like to suggest that wrong, for we are all living as a cog in one massive perpetual motion machine.

I put out a call to everyone to start doing something that matters, but then, how can we really know what actually matters?

There is, in fact, no way to escape this machine, for it is a machine of life, constructed to keep us all from waking up and realising just how much is wrong in this world.

Often I stay quiet on most matters political, ethical and social. Why? Because I don’t really know what is the right answer, just that what we have now is not it. I want to be angry, I want to make a difference, but I just don’t know how. I don’t think any of us really do.

There is no utopian land where we all one day wake up, rise up, and challenge the status quo, because by rising up against the current powers that be, we usher in a whole new group of powers that be. Every group has its leaders, who will eventually want to control things, in which case, they, the people we once fought with, become the very people we once sought to get rid of.

So what do we do? We continue marching forward. We continue to take our orders. And we continue to be another implicit cog in this perpetual machine of life. It’s all that we can do. In the end, we can’t change anything, we are powerless to do anything, yet at the same time, we are extremely powerful.

We’re all looking for something better, but never willing to challenge the status quo for something better.

I sit hear, the time is eight o’clock in the evening. It’s raining outside, there’s a pint on my table, and I sit here. I sit here and write anger fuelled notes into my iPhone, whilst checking twitter aimlessly before more words fill my head. I don’t know what is truly right, but I certainly know there is so much so very wrong. Earlier I had a chat with a man a the bar, a little intoxicated we were, as we reminisced about old toy shops, and how debauched London use to be.

I sit here, angry and annoyed, in the deep realisation that nothing I ever do will ever change anything.

I really want to be a positive force for change in this world, but every thought in my head is negative and anger fuelled right now.